PRE - DESTINED

I’ll try make this a short as humanly possible, for you.  <- i tried =\

I was raised in an Episcopal Church, simply because I attended private school there — St. Timothy’s in Compton, CA. We had mass and we would take communion the whole nine yards. I never had a realtionship with God, well…I’m sure He had one with me because I was a child but I didn’t really know who He was I just knew He existed.

We left Los Angeles, CA after the riots broke out and settled in Riverside County — an hour outside of L.A. I was enrolled into Moreno Valley Christian School at the age of 7, I was in 2nd grade. We had chapel every Friday around 10am, it was my favorite part of school. One day after the pastor finished with praise and worhship and his message he did an altar call. Of course I didn’t call it that then, but he asked if there was anyone that hadn’t accepted Jesus and if we wanted to we could right now. I never heard about Jesus Christ until that day and I didn’t want to accept Him due to peer pressure and everyone else in the auditorium raising their hand. I rose my hand because there was something tugging at me, saying this was needed. So I accepted Christ into my heart at 7. A lot of spiritual growth took place after that and we also had bible class so I was learning so much. Years passed and when I was in 4th grade, during our break (which was 15 minutes) I read my bible on my own time in class. I would feel very different and very awkward, and Christian kids (mind you) would question me as to why I was reading it when I didn’t have to. I’m walking with the Lord, a few more years pass…I’m in 7th grade now. The class was set up in this way - 6th graders were on the left side and 7th graders were on the right side. 

I met a girl who was a 6th grader and we became the best of friends. As time went on though I moved farther away from God. I wanted to be accepted so I compromised. All the girls were fast and were always worried about boys. The boys were fast and were constantly worried about girls. 

Outside of school whenever we would go to the mall or the movies, they (my best friend and her friends) were always trying to talk to guys, exchange numbers, etc. What was portrayed to me was, if boys aren’t all over you - you aren’t pretty. You need to dress like this in order to get guys to like you, you need to talk like this in order for a guy to want to be with you. So what followed was this extreme need to be noticed and accepted by boys.

My problem was I was deathly shy, I was much too afraid to talk to boys. Looking back on it, that was my covering. God used what the devil meant for evil and worked it out for my good. 

This was the straw that broke the camels back, I went from under the covering of a Christian school to a public school. 8th, I will never forget 8th grade for as long as I live. I was 12-13 (I was always the youngest in my classes/grades because I started school early) and there was nothing even remotely familiar to my Christian school. If there were people who were Christians, they didn’t portray it. I felt so alone and I tried even harder to be accepted, by peers who were more outrageous than my 7th grade peers. Basically everyone was kissing, sexing, giving head in bathrooms to popular boys, smoking weed, ditching classes, etc. (I thank God that He didn’t allow me to give into any of the above at that age.) I had no drive as far as academics, I was the type of child who would start off good but when I came across something I didn’t understand I would get stuck…and it would cause work to pile up. So then I would say, “well I’m too far behind to even try” - so I would give in and give up. The peer pressure was still there it just wasn’t as intense, I fell behind in school work though. By the time 11th grade was over I had to transfer to a continuation school for 12th grade and I had to go through a whole extra year of school.

Going to a continuation school, isolated and removed me from that peer pressure of following your friends. I had absolutely no friends at that school, people would make conversation with me sometimes but it was rare. It allowed me to not only focus on school but (hindsight) it allowed me to realize and begin to get use to not being afraid to be alone especially if it’s in your (my) best interest. 

I graduated in 2005, and I took a year off I didn’t want to go straight to college. So I worked, mind you I still didn’t really have any friends. I didn’t party because even though I wasn’t in Gods perfect will, something in me just knew that it wasn’t for me. 2006 rolled around and I was working and I enrolled into a local college, everything seemed to be going fine. By the worlds standards, I was doing pretty good - I had a job and I was in college. A few months passed and I met this guy, after a week of dating I was genuinely in love with him. We were on and off for almost 2 years, and the whole time I was being led by my flesh. Shae didn’t love him, shae’s flesh loved him. So I got caught up pleasing my flesh and I gave into sinful lustful desires, I was a virgin by the worlds standards. Biblically and in God’s eyes I was no longer pure, but I would lean on “well technically it’s not sex.” So I was lukewarm, I acknowledged God and refrained from doing “Big sins” (which don’t exist) and stuck to small sins. I wasn’t reading my word, talking to God, but I called myself a believer.

Our relationship finally ended and a few months later, I met someone else. This person use to have a relationship with Christ but was so condemned after having sex with his ex girlfriend that he walked away from it all. His logic was, “I would rather be cold, than to be luke warm.” (Keep note of this lol) So time passes and we fall into sin and I end up losing giving away my virginity. Even though it was a choice I made all of a sudden I start having doubts about whether or not God is real. I could feel this battle going on inside of me and I gave up on God. I would decline church invitations because now my logic was, “I’m not going to church because I don’t want to be lukewarm.” I’m not saying what I did was right or what my ex did was right but it is much better to be cold than to play with God’s word. Let me point out a pattern, after we had sex I felt the exact same way he did when he fell into lust. I believe when your souls connect and become one - you deposit everything that you’ve been through in that person and vice versa. Soul-tie.

Time passes and we break up, and a little after I start to feel this pull. I was fighting the tugging because I felt that I had messed up so bad and I had been away from God for so long I didn’t know how to come to Him. I felt condemned and I felt that nothing could ever make up for all the sins I had committed. For a long ever since I was 13 there was something I said that I couldn’t take back (I wish I could release, but God wont allow me to because a lot of Christians wont be able to understand), from that point on whenever I would try going to church - it was always in the back of my mind. So for 10 years there was this belief that no matter what I did I was going to hell. One day, I don’t know what set it off but I stood up and I said “Even if I go to hell after coming back to Christ, I’m going to be saying Hallelujah all the way down.” Something sparked and I started going to church and bible study regularly. One day in church we were told to start worshiping, and that even though people were around that it was our own personal time with God. I had always been the type that never raised my hands in obligation, but that day I knew it was something that had to be done. So I prayed to myself silently and said, “Lord, let me not be worried about how others might perceive me. Let me lift my hands without shame.” I raised my hands and my aunt came over to me and hugged me from behind with her hands placed lightly on my stomach. Out of nowhere I start crying and in my head I’m thinking “whats going on because I’m not sad and I don’t even feel convicted.” I start crying harder and harder and I feel the weight of the Lord literally pushing me down to my knees. When I raised my hands it told Him to have His way, so He pushed/brought me to my knees telling me that I had to submit to His will and surrender my own. I sobbed and wept as though I had lost my first born child, I had never cried like that in my life. My father came over to me and bent down and started to rub my throat. Ever since then I’ve always wondered “why the throat?” but despite the answer it was so comforting. It was almost like he was assisting me in my cry, saying “It’s ok baby, let it all out…let it all out.” I continued to cry for about 30 minutes or so and my aunt picked me up and placed into my fathers arms who had gotten down on the floor with me and watched me. The Lord later revealed to me that, the act of me being placed into my fathers arms represented me being dedicated back to God, my heavenly Father.

A month passed after I became serious about my walk, I prayed the guilt prayer. I felt better after 5 minutes but the next day I was still being nagged by that thought. So one day, I finally got up enough courage to ask God for a sign. I told Him to show me a dove, at this point I’m so alert thinking…”I’m looking for my sign where is my sign…” Two weeks later, I was at bible study and my aunt went around the table asking us what we wanted God to do. When it got to me, I said I wanted clear communication. On the way home I was unusually happy and I was signing, “God I just want to be a vessel, it’s your world and I’m just along for the ride!”

I wake up and everything is normal, at first. I go to work and as soon as I sit down in my chair this overwhelming feeling came over me. I started to shake and I felt weird, the closest thing I can liken it to is being electrocuted (not serious damage but like when you touch a lamp and you get shocked for a quick second) but not as extreme. It’s almost like subtle electrocution. lol I thought the feeling would pass but it didn’t. It was time for my break and I grabbed a note pad and I went into the break room and I began to write, I had no clue where anything was coming from I just kept writing and writing and writing and I couldn’t stop. I had to force myself to stop in order to go back to work. After I got off and I got home I noticed a book in my purse which I had taken from my aunts house, I hadn’t read it yet. I actually only picked it up so that I could read it at the hair salon lol. God had other plans obviously, I look at the book and it says “The Holy Spirit Unleashed In You.” Immediately I just knew at that moment, that’s what was happening to me. So I kinda freaked out, in the sense that I couldn’t believe it because I never knew the Holy Spirit could be tangible. I read some of it which confirmed my thoughts, but I went back to writing. I was writing down messages of judgment for people - people that I knew. I took a small break and I decided that I would fast, because I felt like since all this was happening it would be an excellent idea to fast. I go into the kitchen for some reason, it was totally one of those moments where you go to some place in your house but you forget the reason you go. So I go to the kitchen then I realize I’m in the kitchen and I hear a voice say, “Eat” and I immediately say, “satan you cant trick me, boy you sure don’t waste time I just made up my mind to fast.” Then the voice laughed (I kid you not), and said “No I need you to Eat because what I’m pouring into you will use up all your strength.” I was absolutely stunned, thinking “omgosh, did God just talk to me?!! God just spoke to me!!!” After I eat something, I go back into my room and I began writing. I’m sitting on my bed writing when I feel this breath on my face. Now, I use to be terrified of everything - so the first thing I think is “Awesome! There’s a demon in my room breathing on me but I’m not scared!!!!” The voice I heard in the kitchen laughs again, then says, “No, that’s the Holy Spirit breathing on you. Allow Him to breathe on you.” So I stopped writing and sat there, still. I felt the Holy Spirit breathe on my face, chest and legs (I was wearing thick jeans).

A week later I was researching the Holy Spirit and I found out that the dove was a symbol for the Holy Spirit. I never knew this, I was away from God for 10 years and during that whole time I ever read the bible. Learning this I must have leaped so far off of my bed, I started thanking Jesus and thanking God for His mercy, forgiveness, and grace.

The day God gave me clear communication/spoke to me and gave me the Holy Spirit changed my life and walk forever. It allowed me to realized that it’s not all about religion, we have doctrine to keep us in God’s will but you must live by the Spirit and allow the word of God and the Holy Spirit to completely transform you. I learned that a life outside of God is a life not worth living.

Wow, that is my full blown testimony. I’m so sorry it was so long, this took me like 2 hours to write! Yikes! It’s going to take up the whole dash LOL I pray my testimony was clear and everything makes sense, I’m so full and in the Spirit when I write it because it brings back key God-moments in my life.